Panic and the Art of Letting Go

One good (or bad) thing about running is that you have time to think. Sure, I listen to my ipod way too loud but there is also thinking going on beneath the music.

I did 6 miles Saturday morning and my thoughts started easy and manageable and progressed to pure panic and then back again. 

Much of my running is a prayer. I thanked God for the perfect running conditions; sunny and temp in the 50's. (It doesn't get any better than that.) I thanked God for my health and my ability to get outside and safely run. 

Sometimes thoughts turn self-deprecating when I have to stop and walk. When a woman probably 25 years older than me blows past me going up a hill, I think "what in the world?" Ginger, you should be doing better than this. But, then I remember I'm not in a race and I can usually tune that out. 

Then, I think about how Ryan will turn 6 next Tuesday and all thoughts lose all reason. The panic sets in because (a.) I do not want my baby to turn 6 and (b). He is my baby (c.) This means I am getting older too.  Makes perfect sense, right? 

I panic because I think about all the things I have to do before next Tuesday and his birthday party. 

How will I do it all? How will I have time to do this, this, and this and plan his party, and go to baseball, and fit in running and planning meals, and laundry and the other million little errands that have to be done every week. And did I mention he only wants his birthday party at home and I have a gazillion ideas in my head that I want to do but know will never make it out of my head by next week. 

The Virgoan panic of wanting things perfect sets in and so I keep running and eventually I realize: IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

No, I do not want my boys to grow up and leave me. I just don't.  But, I can't make them stop growing. 

Yes, it would be great to always have a baby, but that is not my reality. 

No, Ryan's party does not have to be perfect, because guess what? He doesn't care. He just wants his friends to come over to play and eat pizza and cake. 

And so I run. And I run slowly and that's okay too. Because on that beautiful Saturday morning I eventually got rid of the panic and headed over to the baseball fields in time to see my almost 6 yr old Ryan play baseball. The kid hits that ball every time it's thrown to him and runs lightening fast. It's a joy to watch my boys in whatever they are doing. 

Today my Nana turns 80. She has 3 children, 6 grandchildren, and 2 great-grandchildren. She is beautiful, smart, funny and very independent. Maybe growing up isn't all bad. 

Washington D.C. part 2

I finally got blogger working again and uploaded some more pictures. 

Since it is now 80 degrees outside, it is strange to think that less than a month ago we were bundled up in hats, coats, and boots. Crazy middle TN weather!!

This picture is from the very first day when Ryan didn't want to walk and therefore he was on JW's shoulders with me in the background saying : "see, I told you we should have brought a stroller." But, then he came around and walked the rest of the trip. He was really great. Such a little trooper. 

This is a picture of us waiting to go into the Spy Museum. It was the only thing we did the whole trip that had  an admission fee! It was very cool with lots of neat spy gadgets and history. I would have enjoyed it a million times more had it not been so crowded. It was a small place with lots of nooks and crannies and I just don't do crowded very well. The gift shop was very cool. All the boys got really neat spy kits. Except for Ryan who got a very realistic pair of handcuffs. Scary. 

Right before we left Ryan lost both front teeth. Nothing cuter than a little boy missing his front teeth. 

And here is my Will waiting to get on the Metro.

D.C.'s subway system is called the Metro. Much cleaner and nicer than the NYC subway system. We only had to ride the Metro the day we went up to Capitol Hill. Much too far of a walk from our hotel. I love subway architecture. I found myself taking lots of pictures of the Metro just like I did in NYC.

 Attempt at group picture at the Capitol

Air and Space Museum. Boys checking out the Wright Brothers plane

Arlington was one of my favorite parts of D.C. It was a beautiful, cold day and the place is just so gorgeous and very well tended. This is a shot of Uncle Bob's casket being loaded onto the caisson. (A horse drawn carriage used at funerals.) The rest of us followed in our cars. It was very impressive and moving. 

The Dawsons go to Washington

John Will's Uncle Bob Dawson was buried at Arlington National Cemetery this past Tuesday Feb. 21st. So, we went to Washington D.C. over the long Presidents Day weekend.  We went with JW's parents and his sister Gini and her family. We had a great trip. This is what Uncle Bob wanted. All the family to meet in D.C. and be able to enjoy a family vacation. I think he would have been happy. 

The weather cooperated and was sunny and cool most days which was great because we walked everywhere. I am planning to do another post when I can get all my pictures and blogger to cooperate. This is the second time I have typed out this post. More pictures to come soon....

Boys at Nashville airport waiting to board the plane

 All four cousins at the White House welcome center before we toured the White House.

Taking a rest at the Lincoln Memorial after walking all the way up the Mall from the Washington Monument

 Lincoln

Capitol Visitors Center

JW and boys standing on steps of the Supreme Court

Capitol Dome

Sweet Sara Walker

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarawalker

If you don't know the story of sweet Sara Walker, then keep reading. She is a 34 yr old mother and wife. She has two precious boys and one beautiful little girl (Anna) already in heaven because she was (full term) stillborn. About a month after Anna was born, Sara found out she had colon cancer. She has chronicled her story on her Caringbridge site which I have included a link to above. Her life is a testimony to the love of Jesus Christ. Grab a cup of coffee and start reading at the beginning. Your life will never be the same after reading her journal. I felt a strange connection to Sara the very first time I heard about her story. I have gotten to know her and have fallen in love with her along with the rest of the world.

Please keep her in your prayers as she continues to fight for complete healing and also continues to spread the Gospel. I am convinced she will someday be a household name! She plans to continue to write and spread the good news of our Lord and Savior in a big way!

Update

Quick update on Greta:

She is doing so much better! I am so pleased to be able to say this, because she was one day away from being cut open for exploratory surgery and biopsies. I will spare you the details, but her digestive tract seems much healthier! I am so glad we did not put her through surgery and anesthesia. She is still blind as a bat and I have had to fish her out of the pond once, but other than that she gets around pretty good.

The weeks leading up to Christmas were pretty hard on me thinking we were going to have to put her to sleep. I did not get as much done as I had hoped I would, but that's life sometimes, right?

We are back in the swing of life here in 2012 and I am trying, unsuccessfully, to organize the house and my life.

My boys love playing Angry Birds. I have never once played it and find the music annoying. Apparently, I am in the minority since it is extremely popular all over the world. Will made these out of a set of clay he got for Christmas. I thought the detail was pretty amazing.

Both boys are doing great in school and continue to love going every day. I am so thankful for our school and our amazing teachers. My respect for teachers continues to grow as I witness what an important and difficult job they have.

I still teach my 2 year olds on Sunday mornings and have just started a new Beth Moore Bible study on Wednesday nights. I have signed up for the half marathon again in April, so I will soon have to start running seriously again.

We are planning a trip to Washington D.C. in February because John Will's Uncle Bob passed away and is being buried at Arlington National Cemetary. This is a blog post all by itself, but I just mention it now because it will take much planning and preparation between now and when we leave.

Life is good and we are blessed. God is good all the time.


(P.S. The reason I have time to sit and type out this long post is b/c it is a snow day here and Ryan had the stomach virus last night. So, we aren't going anywhere today.)

My sweet Greta

My sweet Greta girl. She is now totally blind. No light is getting through her eyes. She has been very sick for the past few weeks too. I will spare you the details, but this includes me waking up to a huge mess every morning.  I have been mad, disgusted, and frustrated by this whole situation. I have taken her to the vet, she is on 3 medications and prescription dog food. Caring for her takes a huge part of my day. She is only 10.

Now, I am just sad. 

I finally lost it this morning as I sat at the computer on this glorious sunny morning. I saw her sitting and looking out the window like she always does, but I realized she saw nothing. And that was it for me. I finally started crying. This dog was my first baby. I threw a first birthday party for her complete with a cake and gifts. She has been through so much with me. She has helped me welcome two babies into this world.  She has been everywhere with us. We are the annoying dog people who treat her like a human. She sleeps in our bed and she is welcome everywhere we go. She has been my girl for 10 years. I can't bear the thought of losing her, but I know it's coming.

"And tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you"

Coldplay

My Thankful Post

At ages 5 and 8, I am still amazed by them. I wonder why God chose me to be the Mother to these two precious souls. I am so very blessed by them and they teach me far more than I will ever teach them. I am thankful for so much in my life, but these 2 are always at the top of the list.