Don't stare in the mirror on cold January mornings

Looking in the mirror this morning I see the deep creases in my forehead from years of scrunching up my forehead wondering about people. It's the exact same expression Ryan wore on his face for the first 2 years of his life. Unsure about people. Not willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and a smile. The older he gets the more I see myself in him. Hoping its the good, but knowing it's probably the crazy too.

I also see the additional 10 (15 if we are honest) pounds that I am currently waging war on this year. It is not nearly as easy to lose now as it was when I was 21 and could run a few extra miles. It is beyond frustrating. Weight is not something I ever, ever thought I would have to worry about, but this is 38 and 2 babies.

I look at my hands and can't believe how bad they look. Scars from eczema and repeat cooking burns have left them looking like my grandmamas. I will decide this is not entirely a bad thing.

I see the beginning of tiny creases around my eyes. I try to ignore these for now. I have long taken pride that I inherited the good skin that can only come from good genes. Skin you can not purchase. No expensive skin products can replace good genes. My Nana's porcelain skin at 81 is beautiful. So, for now, I will not worry about the eye creases.

I do not look in the mirror and see my Mother. I keep wondering when she will stare back at me, but for now I do not see her. And, that's fine.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and the little voice in the back of my head starts asking questions. "What are you doing?" "What have you done?" "Are you sure you are doing enough?" Annoying questions like that make me doubt myself. I try to ignore that little voice most of the time.

20 Years

Last Saturday night I went to my 20 year high school reunion. 1993 doesn't seem that long ago, but I guess it was.

I think we all felt like it was a little strange that it has been 20 years. I mean, we talked about things that happened in high school like they happened last week.  Since we now have Facebook, we know where everyone lives, what they do, and what their kids dressed up like for Halloween. So, not a lot of time was spent on the "what are you doing now?" conversation.
I graduated with about 300 people, but maybe 100 came to the reunion. I wish more people had attended, but was so glad to see the ones that did come.

Hendersonville was a great place to grow up. It is a beautiful suburb of Nashville that is set on a lake. We had fantastic public schools and we were all expected to graduate, go to college, and do something with our lives. In the summers we hung out on the lake or at the various swim and tennis clubs. Hendersonville felt like a small town in that you could cruise around on a Friday night and always see someone you knew, but we had Nashville at our fingertips as well. I guess a lot of towns were like this, but Hendersonville was ours.

The people I grew up with are amazing, hilarious, smart, beautiful people.  We grew up together, made mistakes together, celebrated each other, and took care of each other. Hendersonville still feels like home. Seeing those people felt like coming home.

I love my college friends. I really do. But there is nothing like the people who have known you since you were in the 2nd grade.

I really wish that I could see these people more than a few hours every 10 years. It is simply not enough to have any kind of quality conversation. It was so nice to be transported back to my high school self for a moment in time.  I am going to have to try to figure out a way to plan a 25 year reunion. I love my 38 year old mom self. I have a blast with my boys and I would not trade these days for anything, but 16 year old Ginger was a fun girl too.

The Summer of Betsy

Summer of 2013 will be remembered as the summer our family welcomed a new member into our house and it has been a big kick in the pants. Miss Betsy is 110% full of herself.

She is a soft-coated Wheaten terrier. We got her when she was 8 weeks, just a mere baby. She is now almost 13 weeks old. She looks like a real live teddy bear. I must admit, she is much cuter than I had imagined. Probably the cutest puppy I have ever seen. She is incredibly soft and cuddly, but will turn her head and chomp down on your hand before you know what's happening.

She will happily go to the bathroom outside in the yard WHERE SHE IS SUPPOSED TO GO, then will come in and go in the corner of the dining room.

She loves the boys with such a passion. She actually vibrates when she is in the room with them. She thinks they are her "puppy brothers" and want to constantly play and wrestle with them. They love it too until she clamps down on their ankle. This is a huge difference from Greta who was extremely protective of the boys and considered herself their other mother.

I know she has the potential to be an amazing, smart dog. I know she will get there. But, for now she is a 12 week old puppy who wakes up barking at 2 am because she needs to go to the bathroom and wants to snuggle in bed with her mommy (not sleep alone in a crate.) And how can I say no to this face ?

Nine More Mays

Every May in our town the local high schools have yard signs made for all the graduating Seniors with their names to place in their front yard.  As we drive through our neighborhood the boys love to read all the names. "Brentwood High School Senior 2013 Hayden," Peter, Ashley, Sarah, and so on.

I started thinking that in 9 more Mays I might have one of those yard signs with Will's name on it. That sounds like a long time to you, but to me it sounds like tomorrow.

My first born. My angel baby. Have I said all the right things? Am I teaching him the right things?

Am I too hard on him? Not hard enough? What will his memories of home be? How will he remember me as a Mother? A crazy person? What stories will he tell on me?

It's easy to get caught up in the minutia of everyday. Eat breakfast, get in the car, go to school, come home, go to baseball, eat dinner, take a bath, go to bed. Repeat.

I continue to be amazed by my oldest child. He is smarter than me and has been since the day he was born. Our brains do not work in the same way, but I admire him just like I do his father. I look forward to watching how he will grow and what he will accomplish over the next 9 years.

I know at some point his heart will be broken and he will want to lose faith in this world. It happens to all of us. He will realize that people will let you down.  I know I can't be there to pick up the pieces and make it all better. But, I hope the seed of faith is already planted and he will understand that we can overcome. We can do anything through our Christ who give us strength.

So, as I try to teach the daily "grand scheme of life" lessons: treat others as you want to be treated, pick up after yourself, say "yes ma'am," don't eat Sonic hot dogs at 8:30 at night; I remember the same lessons my parents tried to teach me. At the time they probably didn't think they were sticking, but they did. Oh, they did. I just never dreamed I would have 2 amazing boys to teach the same lessons to one day. God exceeds all my dreams and expectations. He is good all the time.

Angels



Greta would have been 12 years old on April 28.  But, she crossed over the Rainbow Bridge the week before. We had to make the incredibly tough decision to put her to sleep. I kept her alive for about 18 months longer than I probably should have. She did not have any quality of life left due to her blindness and other problems. I can talk about it now and I am at peace with the decision. I wish she had had been able to experience more healthy years, instead of miserable blind years. In my mind, she should have been healthy until about 13.

 

I have always said that God has given me 3 angels here on Earth that I am aware of (probably more unseen angels.)

The first one is my Mother. Anyone who knows her knows she is truly an angel. As close to perfect a human as I will ever know.

The second one is Greta.

The third one is Will. (Ryan is an angel too, but he is a whole other post.)

 

 

But this post is about my angel Greta. Greta came to me at a tough time in my life. I had lost a baby due to a tough miscarriage. Greta came to us a few months later. She came from a sweet lady who breeds schnauzers simply because she loves schnauzers. These dogs sleep in the bed with her. No outdoor runs or crates.

She doesn't let her puppies go until they are 12 weeks old and fully house trained. (This is unheard of.)

By the time we got her, she was house-trained and didn't have accidents. She didn't tear anything up! She barely chewed one leg of an old table we had in our den. She cried a little bit those first few nights missing her mother and siblings. So, John Will slept on the couch with her and she was fine. Did I mention how much JW loved her?



I cried the day I had to go back to work and leave her at home alone. John Will would come home for lunch to let her out and play with her. We did not crate her. Again, she didn't destroy things. She was perfectly well-behaved. I use her as example of why crate training is not the end- all- be-all of  dog training. She trusted us and we trusted her.

She helped me through many dark days that would come and helped me see my way to the other side. She helped me bring Will into this world and welcomed him home with her protective schnauzer way. She happily moved to Knoxville with us and had a big fenced in backyard that she loved. She reluctantly welcomed Ryan home too. (And then all her hair turned gray.)

She went everywhere with us and we rarely boarded her. She hated to be boarded in a kennel and would come home with a hoarse voice from barking and crying incessantly the entire time. When we went somewhere and could not take her, she stayed with Nonnie and BB and Presley. Her home away from home.

She moved back to Brentwood with us into a house with no fenced in backyard. And, she would go on her little excursions around the neighborhood finding cat food and who knows what else. Everyone in the neighborhood knew her and at least acted like they liked her.

Then she suddenly went blind from retinal degeneration. And her health deteriorated from there.

Greta comes from a 5-generation line of champion schnauzers. Her father was a 3-time national champion from a well-known breeder in Knoxville. We lucked into finding her from a lady who lives about 10 minutes away in Franklin. We didn't pay that much for her. When she looked like she looks in that picture above, people would stop me out walking her and ask about her. She was gorgeous. She carried herself with pride. She could have easily been a show dog. But, none of that mattered. Her sweet, smart disposition is what we all fell in love with.

I am here to tell you, as crazy as you may think I sound, God sent this angel in a schnauzer suit to me.
I was blessed every day by her and there will never be another Greta. I am reluctant to get another dog because I am honestly afraid I will not be able to love it as much as Greta.

Miss you, Gretagirl.

2012

I went to 5 funerals between August 31st and October 30th. I am 37 years old. It is not strange that I have known people who have died. But 5 in 2 months was a lot for my soul to bear.

This has been heavy on my heart for months now, and I just don't think I can close out this year without paying tribute to these people.

The first one was a grandmother of one of my best friends. Nanny. Nanny lived alone, walked for miles everyday, gardened, cooked, babysat, drove to church, and was fiercely independent until her last day. She lived until almost 100 with not a bit of assistance! She was babysitting her great-grandchildren right up until her death. She got the last one sent off to Kindergarten and decided she was tired. She is now at home with her Savior.

The second one was sweet Sara Walker. (If you have not read her story or blog, please stop and do so now.) 35 years old.  A mother of 2 boys. A wife. A daughter. A sister. A friend. A disciple of Christ. Her life ended too soon, but oh to be able to make an impact like she did. The world has not heard the last of the life of Sara Walker. You just wait.

The third one was the mother of one of my best friends. (I am not ready to start attending funerals of my friends parents.) I spent many nights at this woman's house. I ate her red velvet cake and her rotel dip. She drove my pre-teen age friends and me to football games and listened to us act like idiots. She has a son and a daughter and a beautiful granddaughter that all need her. She left us too early.

The fourth was a friend of mine from church. A lady I sat next to in my women's Bible Study group. I attended a book club at her house. She was not a close friend, but someone I knew and admired. Her death was a result of the horrible meningitis brought on by the tainted steroid shot she received. Her story has been on the local and national news. She has 2 sons and a husband that desperately need her. She left us too early.

The fifth one was a cousin of my mother-in-law and husband. I did not know him well. I probably only met him a few times since I have been married. He was a husband and father to 3 children. A son. A brother.  And a grandfather to one precious little boy who really needed him. His life ended too soon and he has left a gaping hole in their lives.

All these people were missed this Christmas. Their absence was felt by many. All these people have friends and family that have to wake up everyday and realize they are still gone. Radio stations still play Christmas music. Children still have to go to school. Bills still have to be paid and dogs still have to be fed.

I think about these people and I pray for their families. I try to be thankful for the family I have and tell the people in my life how much I love them.

When things happen like the shooting in Newtown, CT I feel numb. I feel like I cannot even process the hatred and the wrong. The evil that exists. I did not watch any news coverage and I still don't know many of the details. I can't. I can't or I won't be able to drive my boys to school.

And then I remember that death is not the end of the story. Death does not get the last word.
That is our hope. Our only hope. Death does not win.

I wish you peace and love in 2013.


4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
(Philippians 4)

Dawsons go to Disney

**I wrote this post a couple months ago and never published. I am trying to post some to finish out 2012. We'll see how it goes.

We went to Disney for Fall Break this year. We usually go to the beach for a week with my parents, so this was a big decision for us. We waited to take the boys until the were both big enough to: a. ride all the rides b. not need strollers c. not need naps. Wow! We are so glad we waited! They both rode everything! It was wonderful!

I must admit, John Will and I were both Disney skeptics. We are not big into crowds or the whole Disney-esque world of fabricated atmospheres. We are happy sitting on an uncrowded beach every October. We both love to travel and want to take the boys many places and expose them to different parts of the world. Our parents both did this for us and we really believe it makes for a well-rounded, cultured person. But, Disney was not super high on our list. Our boys have been to New York City, Washington D.C., St. Louis and Atlanta well before Disney.

But, we bit the dust and went. And it was amazing.  It truly was magical. Someone asked me the other day: "Why, Ginger? Why was it so great?" I don't know. I don't know if it was the place we stayed, or the weather, or the low crowds or just the entire experience. I don't know, but it was awesome. It was one big happy-smiling-from the time we got up til the time we went to bed-family vacation.

This was the view from our balconey at the Polynesian. That is Cinderella's castle across the lake. Every night we could see the castle lit up, hear the music, and see the fireworks display. Two nights we saw the electric boat parade.

Our first day at Disney was at the Animal Kingdom. (We got to Orlando a day early and went to Legoland first. So, we were there 5 days. 4 days inside the Disney Parks.)

More days to come.........maybe :)